"Pure White Lace is enough to cut through, exposing what's beneath..."

I think I'm back.
bellszyxx
I don't know what happened to me. Its been almost a year since I have even logged into this account and onto this site. I have looked back at my work and I realized how terrible the part of my life was. I changed, not for the better, but for the worse. I am fifteen years old and I've screw up so many times it shouldn't be legal, and most of it isn't. I miss my old self. I miss who I was before I met Brianna.

Brianna...

I love her. She is the only girl who can make me feel comfortable when I am with her. She holds my hand, hugs me tightly, and kisses me. She cuddles with me, and we watch movies. We go tobthe mall and I buy her something to eat. She makes me feel okay when we're togethe, but I keep forgetting we're not. She says she is straight and she has a boyfriend.

May 22nd, 2011 was the best day of my life thanks to her.

Though she angers me, she makes me happy and stops me from doing crazy things. Almost. I still cut myself, now I try and drink myself into a coma, and smoke till my lungs give out. Im sick of being alive, and sick of feeling like I am not even here. I feel so different, but at the same time, I remember I am the same as I was before. Melancholy, depressed, yet with an underlying sense of peace, and happiness. My emotions do me no heed.

I have discovered so many things about myself in this last year alone. I can be happy, but I can also want to end my life, time and time again. I never thought I would reach this point, but it is evident that I have. I am sorry, for all that I've done. But I realize now, everything has of this has kept me breathing. I never want to let go of what I have now, but what if it proves to be nothing. I don't know what I would do. Happiness is something short of hope.

Something I will never achieve.

This may be the end of this chapter in my life, the chapter of innocences, contentment, all around being a good person. I've learned not to care about what other elope have to say about your situation, that society can suck it, that maybe things fall apart more than a little for others to come together. I reached that moment of my life when I felt like I was living in a dream, as if I was going to wake up. That point made me afraid. I learned to cherish ever second of every dream. I learned to cherish the person that is hurting you. I may have lost Jenna, but in a sense, I gained Brianna from the pain and heartache she caused. Jenna taught me sadness when I was just only grasping misery.

I am glad for all of the things I've learned these past months. They've taught me all I need to know to flourish into someone I am becoming. I may not be as happy as everyone else, but I am as comfortable as it gets. As quoted by Pink Floyd, "I have become comfortably numb." I have finally become comfortably numb. I have become numb inside of myself. Thanks to Brianna, Zoë, David, and Paige. I have grown into someone I should have been years ago. I can never explain in words what I have felt growing these past years, and I am glad for it. I don't want to remember this nightmare I brought upon myself.

So now I say good-bye with this post. To my demons, the skeletons piled into my closet. Im going to be okay. Some day soon.

(no subject)
bellszyxx
She never knew what she wanted. All she ever knew was what was wrong with herself. She tried, and tried to find love, one time or another, every one back fired on her. Her heart couldn't take the pain anymore, but she continued to live day to day, taking a pill every morning, to ease the urge. She continuously trekked through the days, her heart barely beating, her soul searching for a break. She tried and tried again, to finish what everyone else had started. She tried to love herself, and she tried to love others back. Her heart continued breaking.

She found herself most days, laying alone while her friends smiled an laughed, a cigarette in hand, and a knife in the other. When she ventured back home, she sat alone and began to wander into the depths of her mind. She would seem as though she was catatonic. She would press the blade to her skin, to take away from the pain she felt inside of her, but it would do no good. It branded her, more and more day by day, with more memories she would forever have scarred into her skin.

She began to stitch together a smile on her face, day by day, it would grow tighter, smaller, more reserved, till there would be nothing left anymore. To her disappointment, no one noticed this, no one saw the cuts, no one saw the pain. Again, she was alone. Again, she quietly retreated to her bedroom and pulled a Marlboro from her backpack. Lighting it up quietly, she was thankful that her mother wasn't home to smell the burning tobacco. She enjoyed watching the embers burn somberly. To her, it was the life of any human being in that lit. Diminishing with every breath she took till there was nothing left.

Finishing the last cigarette in the pack she always carried on her, she picked up the blade she kept hidden in the pencil box next to her bed. She stared at the blade, gently running her finger across the sharpened surface. Bringing the blade to her wrist, she closes her eyes, to begin the numb ritual she performs day in and day out. Bringing the blade down in a long, slow stroke, blood seeps onto the knife, staining it again, what time? She lost count. She was about to make another slow stroke into her skin when suddenly, her phone began to vibrate. Dropping the already bloodied knife, her burning flesh clicked the unlock button.

Her eyes scanned over the white banner across her screen. 'One New Message'. Opening this message, her eyes began to water. The smile she had tired so hard to keep contained, burst at the seams. A radiant, toothless grin graced her sharp features. 

'I want you to know, I love you. You're the reason I'm still here. No matter what happens, I will always love you. Never leave me...'

She knew, right then. She finally had a purpose. She had to live for the blue eyes that haunted her every waking moment. The ones she only noticed in a crowd. The body she felt even when her head was turned. The heartbeat that was so familiar, the smile she was most fond of. She picked up the blade, and drew it to her skin one more time. A wave of tears flooded over her eyes.

Not realizing why she was crying, she gasped. The blade in her hand slipped with the wet liquid that seeped to the handle. Slicing in deeper than ever, she felt her veins sever. Swearing loudly, she grabbed a white blanket and began to mop up the never ending blood. Finding strength she never knew she possessed, she threw the blade against the opposite facing wall. The blade ricochet off of the plaster and clattered again the floor.

 Wrapping her arm up with the red stained sheet, she laid down. Gripping her phone tightly, she drifted into her sanctuary, her lost haven. Her dreams. 

 

Days have passed, and today... I opened my eyes for the first time.


I could feel the pieces of my heart, slowly forming back together. My eyes began to open, like a newborn. I tried to make sense of what I was seeing. It was you, You and only you in my eyes. I found my heart beating softly at first, but then it began to hum rhythmically. Looking into the sun, I realized. Today, I am reborn. 

Done.
bellszyxx
I'm never dating again. End of story.

(no subject)
bellszyxx
I can't take this anymore. I can't take the stress, I can't take the pain. It feels like a cigarette burn to my arm. I feel like everything's falling down around me, and I can't stop it. Like every time I run to one side to fix it, the other starts to crumble, and when I try and hold that wall up, the other just falls down at my feet. In the end, I will be standing in the middle or a beautiful disaster and fall to my knees. I know that no matter what I end up doing, someone will get hurt. Someone will hate me. Someone one will not be there anymore.

I wish that someone is me.

I wish it was me, with every fiber of my heart do I wish that I could stop all this pain for everyone, and just take it all. No one can bare the weight of the world, but maybe I can just bare the weight of the moon. I can't keep hurting the ones that I care about... But then I think, if they cared about me, wouldn't they feel the same? I feel like everything I do is wrong, and nothing I ever do will amount to anything. I feel like maybe if I just never signed in that someone out there would be happy right now instead of heartbroken, or on the verge of suicide.

Then I start to think.

I start to think about the life I saved, and the people I effected, negatively, or positively. It's odd to see how many people seem to be effected by who I am... It just really sucks that I specialize in fucking things up... I can never make up my mind, because I always try and keep everyone happy, and neglect myself... I always look for the way to make everyone feel better, and have me sitting and suffering alone... Sometimes I just think that maybe if I wasn't here, everything would be better...

I feel like dying...</3

I'm not afraid.
bellszyxx
I haven't written in a long, long time.

I've been sitting here, thinking about my stories, poems, and little paragraphs about my life, and I realized something truly sad to me.

I have no inspiration to write.

At all.

All I want to do lately is sit and read. I'll get ideas in my head, but then I'll banish them or I'll decided it would be too hard to write because I can't type fast enough to get my thoughts down on a page. It really infuriates me that in my exciting (read drama-filled) life, I can't find anything to write about. I started over with her. My friends are stabbing each other in the back. I'm almost back to cutting again. My parents are divorcing. My dad's moving to a different continent after the divorce is final. And my niece died a few weeks ago. I'm losing my faith in the world.

I may just be a 14 year old kid, but I know people and I know how they work. Everyone looks at my and thinks, "Oh, she's too young to understand, too young to know."

I'm not too young.

I know and have experienced what most adults thrive for, and some that they would never even dream of. What they never could have imagined. I know what I'm talking about. I can analyze who you are in an instant of talking to you.

I can solve a problem just by using logic skills.

I hate being underestimated.

That being said. My writing skills have been underestimated.

By my own self.

I don't have any confidence in my writing, or in myself, really. 

I'm going to write a long, multi-chaptered fic and put it on here.

I'm going to show myself, and the world I'm not it's bitch, and I can bring what it asks.

And more.

I'm done being afraid of ridicule.

I'm done being ashamed.

I'm done hurting over something stupid.

I'm done with everything and everyone negative in my life.

I'm ready to take the first step to healing.

And that's going to be through my music, writing, and drawings.

I'm ready to finally be free.

I'm ready to be myself.

Broken
bellszyxx
I can't be fixed is the biggest lie I've ever been told.

No break is permanent. It's an excuse to push someone away, it's something we say when we're out of fight. I maybe broken, but I have a lot of fight left in me, and I sure as hell have enough to fix you. I've got super glue and duct tape, nails and hammers, and love an affection. I'll fix you if it's the last thing I do. Brace yourself, baby, because here comes the Doctor and I'm ready to start operating.


Lost
bellszyxx
I just lost the only person to ever make me happy because I was stupid and made a mistake. Never cut because you hurt more people than yourself. You lose everyone you care for, and you will forever see the memories marred into your skin. I love you Jenna, and I'm sorry I hurt you.

Who I am.
bellszyxx
It seems like everything likes to fall apart. Like it’s almost a whisper waiting to be overtaken by a loud screech… It’s odd. Sitting here with people I consider family, thinking about how things could be better. I have good clothes, a nice house, food (sometimes) to eat. And yet I can sit here and complain when I’m surrounded by “love”. I miss being young. I miss sitting in class, color. The biggest challenge you had was to find someone to play with.

Now you have betrayals, lies, pain, tears, broken hearts. It’s hard to believe we evolve into this people that are so odd. We feed off of pain, lust, and the satisfaction that someone has less than you. Shouldn’t we thrive on the happiness of everyone? Shouldn’t we try and have people be happy, and not attempting to end their lives because of what we feed off of?

People see images, not words, or what’s behind the mirror. All we see is the pain that’s etched into our character. Why do I find it enjoyable when people hurt? Why do I think it’s okay for people to be let down? Why do I lie, to make myself seem who I am not. I am not this person. I am not the girl who would sit and think it be okay to write this all down. It’s not me.

I’m also not that kid that stays on the outskirts of the group. I’m not the kid who is suicidal every other day, and I’m not the kid who believes hurting yourself  is the answer. Then why do I do it? Why do I portray myself as the emo kid? Why can’t I just be Bella, the girl who writes more than she breathes, who loves to draw, who loves to laugh and smile, who gets goo-goo for romance? Why can’t I be who I am? Is it because I love the feeling of acceptance? Then again, why should I be accepted for someone I’m not? I mean, there’s bound to be other people who are what I see to be, so why can’t I show myself?

My friends accept me. The people who I love. The people who sit with me when I cry, the ones that talk me out of stupid shit, the one’s that I laugh with, the one’s I trust. Shouldn’t that be enough to satisfy my craving for acceptance? Who am I, who am I to fake myself when I have people here for me? Why am I like this? Why is everyone like this?

Why can’t we be accepted for who we are?

I have the best friends ever. End. Of. Story<3
bellszyxx
Okay, so how about my best friend decided to bitch out my former love interest. Since I'm not out of the bi-closet yet, she didn't mention boy or girl. What did she say?

You tell me if this institutes 'Best Friend of the Year':

I CANT FUCKING STAND YOUR SKANKY ASS. YOU NEED TO STOP USING MY BFF FOR THEIR LOVE. YOU CAN TAKE UR SIGNIFICENT OTHER AND SHOVE IT RIGHT UP UR LIL BLONDE ASS! MAKE UP UR MIND. LET THEM KNOW. CUZ I NOT IMMA CUNT PUNT U!


Can anyone say LMFAO and ILYSM?

Lena Baby 5/5?
bellszyxx
Title: Lena Baby 5/?
Rating: T
Pairings: Demi/Selena, Miley/Taylor S.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, but if I did, there would be little Lovez babies running around(:
Summery: Selena and Miley may not be friends, but Miley cared about Demi and Selena. One day, she records a drunk Demi singing a very...interesting remix of Ashley by Escape The Fate. Miley shows Selena and fluff ensues.
"Demi, I-"

"Don't!" Demi hissed. "Don't even speak. You had no right. NO RIGHT to show Selena that. You knew she didn't feel the same yet you STILL showed her that. I hadn't even remembered. You had no right to exploit my feelings to her, or anyone else. Why can't you leave something in my life be private for once!?" Miley had flinched back at the complete betrayal in Demi's eyes.

"It wasn't a big deal because-"

"WASN'T A BIG DEAL?!" Demi exploded. Heads turned to the booth, all looked at them in distaste. Noticing she was drawing attention to herself, Demi slide into the booth beside Selena. Selena moved her purse and blushed heavily. "She's really cute when she's attempting to kick Miley's ass...."

"It WAS a big deal, Miles! Those are my feelings, my personal feelings that I didn't want anyone to know about. It was my secret, my feelings. Not yours! You don't see my going around announcing to someone that you love them!" Miley's eyes widened harshly and her breath quickened.

"Please Demi, I'm sorry I told her, but she had a right to know," Demi opened her mouth to protest, but Miley continued talking. "And it's not a secret when you can tell how in love with her you are. A fucking monkey can tell. Everyone knows. You're an idiot if you think she doesn't love you back."

"BULL SHIT. She doesn't love me, and you KNOW it. Why would you do that?! You knew I was hurting, and you decided, 'Oh, it's okay, let's mess with Demi's feelings!'" She said, impersonating Miley, using a horrible southern accent. Miley twitched a bit at it, but she let Demi continue. "No! You can't do that! You had no fucking right to mess with my emotions. She was never supposed to know! This is why we stopped being friends!" Selena gasped suddenly, turning towards Demi.

"We stopped 10 years of friendship because you were afraid I didn't love you back?!" Demi whipped around to look at Selena, startled at her tone of voice. She sounded thoroughly pissed off.

"Did you even think of coming to me, before you decided to break my heart?!"

"Break your heart?" Demi retorted with a bitter laugh. "I broke nothing of yours. You made me love you. I was watching out for you. For your career. You know that thing you've been dreaming about since you were seven? Yeah, that. I'd rather sacrifice my happiness, then to see you lose your dream, so no. You can't tell me I broke your heart." Selena looked at her disbelievingly.

"You stupid bitch!" Demi recoiled. Selena never swore, nor had she ever gotten that angry at her. Ever. No matter what happened, Selena never yelled or swore.

"I fucking love you too! You never asked me! You never told me! You never even gave to possibility I may love you too. You selfish, selfish girl!" Demi growled angrily and got in Selena's face.

"I'm the selfish one?! Says the girl who fucking decided it would be okay to take my fucking heart." Selena got closer to Demi and they were in each other’s faces, Miley sat on the other side of the booth in shock, and completely forgotten as the two lovers fought.

"Who says you haven't taken mine?!"

"Me!"

"Oh yeah?!"

"Yeah!"

They were so close their noses were brushing and they could see the fire burning in the other’s eyes. Selena suddenly growled and grabbed Demi's face roughly and pressed their lips together. Demi pulled back angrily and looked into Selena's eyes, seeing the obvious hurt there. Demi suddenly gripped her waist and pulled Selena's body into her and pressed their lips back together.

This kiss was softer, but more demanding and more urgent. Both had wanted it for so long, it seemed like the fruit that was at the top of the tree had finally fallen into their hands. Each had the other and everything else decided to come into please. Demi started to pull back a little, but Selena kept her hands on her neck, and with a small giggle, bringing her back in for another kiss. Demi smiled softly and pecked her twice before pulling away. Selena blushed softly, realizing that Miley was staring at them with wide eyes, and a retracted jaw.

"That was hot." Demi glared viciously at Miley, tucking Selena into her side. She rested her head on Demi's shoulder, watching the exchange between the two girls.

"I'm still going to kick your ass." Miley looked at her disbelievingly.

"What!? Why?!"

"You betrayed my trust. You may have been right, but you didn't have my permission to do it." Miley looked down.

"Fine, I'm sorry for telling your girlfriend," Both girls blushed heavily. "You are in love with her. Happy?" Demi pretended to look thoughtful for a moment, tapping her chin comically.

"Mmm...No."

"Wha-?" Miley looked ready to bust a nonexistent nut.

"You have to tell Taylor you love her." Selena moved quickly from Demi's shoulder and looked at Miley.

"You love Taylor? My Taylor?" Demi pouted.

"I thought I was yours." Selena turned to Demi, and rolled her eyes. She softly pecked Demi's bottom lip, which curled back up into a smile.

"You are mine, but Taylor is like my best-" She looked over at Demi, who was pouting again and rolled her eyes for a second time. "One of my best friends." Miley started to blush a deep red.

"I-I don't l-love T-T-Taylor. Wh...What gave you t-that idea?" She stuttered out with a laugh. Demi gave her a look that said, "Are you joshing me right now?"

"You mean other than the fact I hear you saying," Demi decided to be mean and coughed out 'Moaning'. Miley blushed heavily and threw a stick at her head. Demi laughed heartily and dodged the projectile. She continued, "Her name at ungodly hours of the night. I mean really, if you want to lie to me, be good at it." Miley sunk into her seat mumbling 'whatever'. Selena giggled at her.

"You never know, Miles. She may love you back, you just don't know it." Selena looked at Demi was a soft smile on her face. Demi was fiddling with a straw wrapper. Noticing someone's eyes on her, Demi turned to look at Selena. She smiled softly at her, and leaned down to pressed their foreheads together. Miley looked at them and rolled her eyes.

She glanced down at her phone, noticing this whole rendezvous had taken two hours. The little kids must have been ravenous by now.

"Hey guys," She said, snapping the two lovebirds out of their haze. "We've been here for like, two hours, and we still need to go and sing for the little people outside. Selena's eyes widened and she scrambled out of the booth, pushing Demi out as well. Demi looked at Selena, who was currently pulling her along, curiously.

"What little kids...?"

"When we got here we were attack by little children and we promised when we came out, we would sing for them." Demi's mouth formed into an 'O'.

"Well," Demi said brightly, while lacing her fingers with Selena's. "We can't keep them waiting, now can we?" Selena laughed along with Miley as Demi happily walked outside with the other stars in tow. As they stepped foot outside, screams of their names were heard from small lungs.

"Hey guys!" Demi called cheerily. "How are you today?!" Demi got an overwhelming response. She laughed easily and continued with her hand still attached to Selena's. "Do you guys want to hear some songs?!" An extremely loud 'YES' was heard throughout the crowd of little people. Demi grinned and said, "Alright! I'm going to sings a song that I... Remixed a bit. You guys all know my best friend Selena, right?" All the kids looked at her in confusion, seeing as they had all heard the rumors of the end of their friendship.

"I know you've been hearing about how much we grew apart, but now we're reconnecting! I made this remix for her. Do you guys want to hear it?" All the kids called to her again. Demi smiled while looking at Selena. She was blushing softly, ducking her head in embarrassment. Miley strayed to the outskirts of the little group, and smiled. She watched as Demi brought her hand to Selena's face and lifted it. She opened her mouth and started to sing.

"Shadows fall on yesterday,
It's like time just slips away..."

A/N:
I don't know whether to make this the last chapter or not! You guys should tell me (: Comments are greatly appreciated. (:


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