"Pure White Lace is enough to cut through, exposing what's beneath..."

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I think I'm back.
bellszyxx
I don't know what happened to me. Its been almost a year since I have even logged into this account and onto this site. I have looked back at my work and I realized how terrible the part of my life was. I changed, not for the better, but for the worse. I am fifteen years old and I've screw up so many times it shouldn't be legal, and most of it isn't. I miss my old self. I miss who I was before I met Brianna.

Brianna...

I love her. She is the only girl who can make me feel comfortable when I am with her. She holds my hand, hugs me tightly, and kisses me. She cuddles with me, and we watch movies. We go tobthe mall and I buy her something to eat. She makes me feel okay when we're togethe, but I keep forgetting we're not. She says she is straight and she has a boyfriend.

May 22nd, 2011 was the best day of my life thanks to her.

Though she angers me, she makes me happy and stops me from doing crazy things. Almost. I still cut myself, now I try and drink myself into a coma, and smoke till my lungs give out. Im sick of being alive, and sick of feeling like I am not even here. I feel so different, but at the same time, I remember I am the same as I was before. Melancholy, depressed, yet with an underlying sense of peace, and happiness. My emotions do me no heed.

I have discovered so many things about myself in this last year alone. I can be happy, but I can also want to end my life, time and time again. I never thought I would reach this point, but it is evident that I have. I am sorry, for all that I've done. But I realize now, everything has of this has kept me breathing. I never want to let go of what I have now, but what if it proves to be nothing. I don't know what I would do. Happiness is something short of hope.

Something I will never achieve.

This may be the end of this chapter in my life, the chapter of innocences, contentment, all around being a good person. I've learned not to care about what other elope have to say about your situation, that society can suck it, that maybe things fall apart more than a little for others to come together. I reached that moment of my life when I felt like I was living in a dream, as if I was going to wake up. That point made me afraid. I learned to cherish ever second of every dream. I learned to cherish the person that is hurting you. I may have lost Jenna, but in a sense, I gained Brianna from the pain and heartache she caused. Jenna taught me sadness when I was just only grasping misery.

I am glad for all of the things I've learned these past months. They've taught me all I need to know to flourish into someone I am becoming. I may not be as happy as everyone else, but I am as comfortable as it gets. As quoted by Pink Floyd, "I have become comfortably numb." I have finally become comfortably numb. I have become numb inside of myself. Thanks to Brianna, Zoë, David, and Paige. I have grown into someone I should have been years ago. I can never explain in words what I have felt growing these past years, and I am glad for it. I don't want to remember this nightmare I brought upon myself.

So now I say good-bye with this post. To my demons, the skeletons piled into my closet. Im going to be okay. Some day soon.

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